When I was four and five years of age I was sexually abused by two cousins that were in their late teens, for years I denied the effects this had on me because I didn't want to make excuses for my bad behavior. From that early age I always seemed to have a girlfriend that I would spend as much time with as possible and in each case we would have a physical relationship that was far from age appropriated, basically anything our young bodies could do, we did. During this time we thought that these were just things that everyone did but yet I was puzzled that the other boys didn't want anything to do with girls.

With these beliefs I made myself very accommodating for a few people that were a few years older than me, a few times a babysitter got a lot more than a couple of bucks for looking after me and I remember that I was the one that offered and made them think it was OK. With all this their was only one person I blocked out of my memory, I knew something had happened between us but I didn't want to think about what it was or how far it went, I now know that it was a defense mechanism that kick in when puberty begun.

He was four and a half years older and in the throws of puberty and I had yet to have a sexual identity or even a concept of what that was. When it started it was me that offered to help with his frequent arousal telling him that this was just what good friends did for each other and despite the fact that he knew better his hormones got the better of him and he took advantage of it. Things would happen multiple times a day for the better part of two years until one day that I learned what the words gay and bisexual really meant, the friendship ended in that moment.

I did not come face to face with him again for over twenty-five years, most that time I hated him and what he stood for. It wasn't until after the worst day of my life that I would remember the extent of what we did together. Once I did I started to realize that their was a lot of good things that happened during that time in my life and in our friendship. In January I ran into him and I had to corner him because he tried to get away from me when he realized who he was looking at, I looked into his eyes which were filled with fear and I said "I forgive you and I am sorry for putting you in that position" When the shock wore off he broke down in tears and relief. For all these years his greatest source of regret and guilt was what had happened between us and after a long conversation that night we become friends again and I can even say that he is my ex-boyfriend without it challenging my sense of self as a straight man.

As far as my cousins I have forgave them without telling them, I don't think either one of them deserve that release. I can't ignore the fact that what they did lead to a childhood filled with love even if it was inappropriate. And I can say with conviction and pride that I never passed the abuse on to anyone that was younger than me. As far as the girls that were my own age at that time, I never had to convince them, the actions happened organically which leaves me with only one unanswered question, were those girls likewise abused before I knew them?